My So-called Internet Life

Lately I have been trying to return to the real life and unplug from the Internet as much as possible. I don't know if I will continue with this blog, or if I will tweak it a bit, or even start over. In any case, I think it is time to get more happy and cheerful. InshaAllah I will try to think of something more positive to write about here.

I am a convert

For a long time, may be since my early days as a Muslim, I was thinking and worrying about how I am going to fit in to this lifestyle and expectations of what Muslim woman should be like. I mean how I was going to compare to these women born into Muslim families, cared for by their Muslim parents and then their Muslim husbands, staying home raising their children and in some cases never having to work in their life. I spent many years trying to compensate for my upbringing and lack of Muslim family. Finally, I am starting to realize that if this is the standard, I am never going to meet it. And I will always be not good enough if I keep measuring myself by this standard of a what a born-Muslim woman would be like. But I am not, I am an American... I grew up here and at some point in my life I converted to Islam. And I can never change these things but there is nothing wrong with that :)

Al-Youm (Today)

This Ramadan I am looking for strength to start over. I am waiting for a sign of a new beginning. I feel that I became so far from my religion. And for stupid pride and perfectionist reasons it is so hard to ask for help and to admit to being vulnerable and lonely. May be it is a wrong approach. May be I need to go reach out to the people and seek their company, but every time I think, now is not the right time, later when I am in a more presentable situation, I will go, I will meet people, inshaAllah make new friends, but for now I will wait it out and don't need to embarrass myself. Oh, Allah, please help me to return to your good way, please forgive me for my mistakes, and give me strength to fear only You and nothing else in this life.

For new Muslims - Are these familiar issues?

Dealing with Practice:
1. Coping with Islamic clothing (and not following a cultural style)
2. Learning how to please Allah, not following a cultural group’s beliefs
3. Avoiding blindly following the person who introduced you to Islam
4. When at masjid, feeling left alone and not made to feel welcome.
5. Being scolded for things such as wearing jeans or not wearing proper hijab
6. Lack of direction as to where to purchase proper attire and how much they cost
7. Fellow Muslims being passing judgment i.e. deeming someone as “extreme”
8. Facing negative comments
9. Dealing with old unIslamic issues: haram job, interests loans, alcohol, unlawful relationships, preciously held ideas/beliefs/practices that conflict with Islam
10. Hurrying to adopt external appearances and practices without developing a firm basis of faith
11. Relocating to a new community

Dealing with the Born-Muslims
1. Cultural paradigm shift–whites and fobs are so different
2. Answering the question, you are Muslim because you married to a Muslim?
3. Dealing with convert profiling
4. Coping with people constantly telling to do da`wah to your family, although you are trying to do it in the best way you know how, based on your relationship with your family
5. Having people constantly asking you to recite “Al-Fatihah” to prove you can do it
6. Despite being dressed in hijab, having Muslims asking you if you are a Muslim when they hear where you’re from
7. Coping with the apparent acceptability that it is OK for every Muslim to ask you very personal questions, although it would be rude for them to ask the same of people from their own culture
8. After the initial rush of happiness that you are a Muslim, then being made to feel/told that you are inferior to born Muslims, constantly hearing, “He/she is only a convert” and therefore made to feel deficient/extremist in your ideas/that your knowledge is less sound/that you are less valued as a Muslim
9. Trying to find a place that you feel comfortable in a Muslim community, especially if it has factionalized and you aren’t married to create an affiliation with one of the factions
10. Being expected to leave all your culture behind as it is seen to be inferior, but then finding that most Muslims have very strong cultural adherences that you are expected to accept
11. Learning to cope with new types of food, but having most people not willing to try yours
12. Disparity between the support networks provided to white verses non-white converts in communities
13. Lack of new friends in the community (not being introduced)
14. Lack of mentorship or support groups
15. Having to tell the story of your conversion to everyone you meet

Dealing with Marriage:
1. Difficult to meet other potential Muslims because there is no Muslim family/friends to assist
2. Ethnic divisions
3. Virgin question
4. Lack of a responsible wali
5. Difficulties for sisters who have been married before and may have children
6. Having to cope with people constantly trying to marry you off to anyone who is looking to get married, despite their obvious lack of compatibility with you as a person
7. Not being aware of the cultural differences enough to know what are the warning signs to look out for in a prospective groom, many of whom deliberately target new Muslimahs knowing they have no Muslim family to support them prior to/during a marriage
8. Children from different Muslim fathers due to serial divorces and/or polygynous marriages

Dealing with Non-Muslims:
1. Working out how to tell your family the news of your conversion
2. Working out how to introduce your new beliefs and way of life into your relationship with them, such as halal food, hijab, alcohol, celebrations of non-Islamic festivals, etc.
3. Trying to show your family and friends that you haven’t joined an extremist cult, and that you won’t grow out of it in time
4. Trying to show your family that Islam has made you a better person
5. Lack of resources to deal with fallout of converting (ex. What to do if legal action is taken by convert family)
6. Answering constant insult about Islam from family/friends
7. Dealing with non-monotheists (people of the book family members)

Dealing with Expectations:
1. Islam vs. Muslim
2. Developing a balanced view of the scholars – having respect for their knowledge and dedication to the deen, but acceptance of their human imperfection
3. The unrealistic expectations of most new Muslims of doing Hijrah to the Muslim lands and expecting it to be like Madinah at the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and their shock that the Muslims in the Muslim lands aren’t all like the Ansar
4. Adjusting to the reality of the Muslim world in comparison to the ideals set by Islam and practiced by the great Muslims
5. Single Muslim women with children and Muslim wives (whose husbands continue working in the west to support them) going overseas to do Hijrah and having to cope on their own with their children, in a country that they know nothing about and where they cannot speak the language

"The poor long for riches

the rich long for heaven

but the wise long for a state of tranquility..."

Or... when our financial needs are satisfied our emotional needs become more apparent. Alhamdulellah that I have this chance to worry about emotional and spiritual needs, and thinking about mere survival doesn't consume all of my time, as the case with some less fortunate people.

But as far as tranquility, may be it is about letting go. Is this tranquility when you don't need anything or anyone? Or when you don't care too much? :)

Always Hope

Dreams of Syria

Dreams of the Mediterranean sea at dawn and at sunset with its endless blue waters stretching to the horizon, dreams of the smell of jasmine in the streets and the sounds of azan coming from all directions in dissonance. Dreams of the orange orchard and a little boy with blond hair telling about his "friend doggie".

Return to Innocence

There is a song called "Return to Innocence" by Enigma. It doesn't have much lyrics and the melody is good for meditation, and pondering upon meaning of this life. First time I heard it when I was 15 years old and I could not get it out of my head. Five years later, I finally bought the Enigma CD to hear this song again. On the inside cover was this poem:

I tried to find Him on the Christian cross, but He was not there ;

I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but i could not find a trace of Him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him.

I went to the Cabba in Mecca, but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and philosophers but He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him ;

He was nowhere else to be found.

- Jelaluddin Rumi

I thought this was very deep. I never heard of Rumi before, so I looked him up on Yahoo. I found many Sufi web sites with his poems and lots of info on Sufi view of life. I thought it was interesting, and also very deep :) I printed some of their writings. They were going over the concept of Messenger/Prophet. That Messenger is always the same person, and some people choose to recognize him, but others stay with the previous message as their religion. Therefore we got Judaism, Christianity and Islam. So from there I went on to read about Islam. Then at some point the thought came to my mind, Oh my God, do I have the right religion?

Here is another good poem by Rumi, I believe it is about Fajr prayers:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you

Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorstep where the two worlds touch.

The door is open.

Don't go back to sleep.

Hi!!!! I am new here!

Hello World!

Hello Everyone,
After much internal debate of Internet privacy vs. convenience, convenience won. Although tenatively, until further notice from paranoia :) After reading blogs of other women, about their life and family, with varying levels of disclosure, it appears that I also may just be ok with having a blog if I can successfully practice self-discipline with disclosing personal information.

The theme is Return to Innocence, or to our childhood that we've lost.