I am a convert

For a long time, may be since my early days as a Muslim, I was thinking and worrying about how I am going to fit in to this lifestyle and expectations of what Muslim woman should be like. I mean how I was going to compare to these women born into Muslim families, cared for by their Muslim parents and then their Muslim husbands, staying home raising their children and in some cases never having to work in their life. I spent many years trying to compensate for my upbringing and lack of Muslim family. Finally, I am starting to realize that if this is the standard, I am never going to meet it. And I will always be not good enough if I keep measuring myself by this standard of a what a born-Muslim woman would be like. But I am not, I am an American... I grew up here and at some point in my life I converted to Islam. And I can never change these things but there is nothing wrong with that :)

Al-Youm (Today)

This Ramadan I am looking for strength to start over. I am waiting for a sign of a new beginning. I feel that I became so far from my religion. And for stupid pride and perfectionist reasons it is so hard to ask for help and to admit to being vulnerable and lonely. May be it is a wrong approach. May be I need to go reach out to the people and seek their company, but every time I think, now is not the right time, later when I am in a more presentable situation, I will go, I will meet people, inshaAllah make new friends, but for now I will wait it out and don't need to embarrass myself. Oh, Allah, please help me to return to your good way, please forgive me for my mistakes, and give me strength to fear only You and nothing else in this life.